Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize