If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
