I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
