Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
