bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
