After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
where are my eyebrows?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
