I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
