i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
