At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
