I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
