All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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