Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
