He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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