If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
