I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
