the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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