So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
