I just threw up on my dentist
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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