Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
