Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
