Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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