quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
