Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This baby is an asshole
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
