I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
