Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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