after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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