He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
