I want to stick my p in your. b.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
