I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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