dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
