So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
