ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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