her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
