GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
