So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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