Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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