I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
