Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she smelled like a LAN party
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
