I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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