i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There r osticjed everywhere
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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