you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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