He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
