ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
