bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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