what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
