I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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