Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize