Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
