He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my vag is so smooth its legendary
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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