my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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