You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
