there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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