I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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