I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize