took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
