filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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