So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
