if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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