In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
