I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
